I have a love of bad disaster movies. I guess it’s because I have a personality where I get great pleasure out of making fun of stuff. If I had a nickel for every time my husband says, “Stop mocking me!” I’d have a crap-load of nickels.
There are several reasons I enjoy disaster movies:
- Because they are so ridiculous in what a human being is capable of surviving. I understand the whole “suspension of disbelief” that needs to go along with moves, especially this genre, but it just goes so far out of bounds that it becomes comical. I enjoy keeping a count of all the times the main characters should have been evaporated, blown up, melted, crushed, etc…
- The bad special effects. While the movie makers do an excellent job destroying stuff, putting real people in the middle of the destruction is doggone near impossible without looking fake. It’s kind of hard to take impending doom seriously as the hero is hanging above a pit of lava when every hair is in place and there’s not a singed eyebrow to be had. Hell, I singe off eyebrows and arm hair at least once a week while cooking. In fact, it happened today.
- The connections between the main characters. Characters all over the country/world stumble upon each other and all have some connection other than just being in the same place at the same time. This phenomenon started bugging me when the movie Independence Day came out. The president’s wife is found by the stripper girlfriend of the Air Force pilot who is the only one to take out a spaceship who manages to make his way to Area 51 where the stripper girlfriend manages to get the First Lady and also where the President is at even though he was in Washington DC at the start of the attack. It’s coincidence on steroids.
- Gratuitous destruction of cities and national landmarks. The white house is blown up. The LaBrea Tar Pits erupt. New York City is taken out by a tidal wave. I actually get angry that Chicago is rarely featured in the destruction orgy. You know why I was willing to see Transformers 3 – Dark of the Moon? Because they destroyed landmarks that I used to live across the street from… not that I hope anything ever happens to my beloved corn-cob-buildings (aka The Marina Towers), but it’s fun to see things on screen that you have a personal connection to and the interesting ways they are taken apart.
So that leads me to my mocking of the movie 2012. Tagline “We Were Warned.” Not true, if you actually take the time to watch the movie. Most of us would have been left to die under a pile of rubble or be melted with molten lava… but I’m getting ahead of myself.I’d like to start off by saying that this movie honked me off because the apocalypse as predicted by the Mayans is supposed to be one of two days: December 21 or December 23 – which has been the most publicized date and which just so happens to be my birthday. If the world does in fact end, it better be my birthday. Of course the stupid movie writers use December 21. Buttholes.
As a side note, why couldn’t it have been this year? As I started writing this, the clock turned over to start my 40th birthday. I would have preferred to have the end of the world come while I was still in my 30s, thank you very much MAYANS!
Oh and as another side note, researching the different theories of the apocalypse was kind of unsettling. I was also surprised a couple of times. Did you know that Isaac Newton predicted when the world would end by interpreting the Bible? Yes, the man who described gravity and came up with the three laws of motion was a doomsday predictor. Great, next thing I know, I’ll find out that Thomas Edison was notorious for electrocuting dogs to prove which type of electrical current was more lethal. Aw man… are you serious?
*sigh… back to the movie
The characters are basically the same in every disaster movie. Here are the main players in 2012:
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| I shall make this face the ENTIRE movie! Just try and stop me! |
Dr. Adrian Helmsley – The astute geologist (and annoying idealist) who figures everything out – a lot of it on a hunch – and can’t get anyone to believe him. I know for a fact that this character does not exist in real life – especially the annoying idealist part. Not that I don’t think there are a lot of good people out there. I just think when the world is exploding around you there may be other things on your mind than saving people you don’t know.
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| Could someone kindly remove the stick from my butt |
Carl Anheuser – Resident douche-bag and the White House Chief of Staff who, even though is wrong at almost every turn and is a dick in general, people listen to over the idealist who has, you know, facts.
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| I once was a teen heartthrob. *sigh... How far I've fallen. |
Jackson Curtis – Bumbling & failed author who somehow can’t afford a working car or decent apartment, but manages to impress a decision maker of the government with a book that no one read.
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| When will the Bieber cut END! |
The Curtis kids – Do I really have to look up their names? Just name them Girl Curtis and Boy Curtis.
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| Did someone just fart? |
Kate Curtis & Gordon Silberman – Mother of the Curtis kids and ex-wife of the hero accompanied by her sidekick aka idiot stepfather-to-be.
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| There's a joke somewhere in this line. |
Laura Wilson – Art preservationist who happens to be the First Daughter. She’s also the hot piece of tail that the idealist will probably call dibs on to help repopulate the earth.
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| The Russian version of the Bieber cut. |
Yuri Karpov, Rent-a-wife, Augustus Gloop twins and dog - Russian dude with an obscene amount of money, his rent-a-wife who would probably do really well as a mail-order bride in the US and Yuri’s twin sons who are very accurately described with their title I’ve given them. Don’t forget the dog that someone will ultimately try to save putting the entire group in jeopardy.
Since we’ve got all of these people in different parts of the country there’s a lot of back story that needs to be laid out (snooze). Also, we have to learn how and why the Earth is in peril and what has been done or not done in preparation for the end of days. Essentially, all the planets are aligning and the power of the sun is activating the Earth’s core. That’s it. In this movie’s case, it takes 45 painful minutes before the mayhem to ensue and the characters to start stumbling upon each other. We’ve met everyone but Yuri and his clan up to this point.
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| It took me going frame by frame to get the exact moment of disgust on this kid's face. |
I’m going to pick-up the story in Los Angeles where the area is being rocked by earthquakes that are cracking pavement. Even though the world appears to be falling apart, Jackson decides to take the Curtis kids on a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park which also is the home of a supervolcano. A trip that none of them appear to want to be on since they are all dragging along hand held gaming devices and laptops. Wahoo! Sounds like a great time.
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| You're right dad, this is MUCH better than going to Disneyland. |
Jackson takes the kids to a lake, which isn’t a lake anymore. It is dried up and for some reason, this particular lake has caught the attention of the government. Really? A nondescript lake in Yellowstone? The Great Salt Lake becomes a salt lick – that’s cause for alarm. Lake Michigan suddenly becomes a 300 foot deep 22,300 square mile crater – holy crap! But a 10 foot deep pond in Wyoming… wait, Wyoming? That’s like a fricken 20 HOUR DRIVE FROM LOS ANGELES! Seriously, they drive back and forth from Yellowstone like it’s around the corner and they appear to arrive in a couple of hours – tops!
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| Just send them to Guantanamo... oh hey! You're the author of that crappy book my dad gave me because he was too cheap to get me a REAL birthday gift. |
But if you think that’s the dumbest thing Jackson does with his kids… you’d be SO wrong. See this pond is cornered off by the government with the prerequisite scary yellow police tape and neck high fencing. Also, there’s sulfur rising off the earth. Now, I’ve visited active volcanoes and sulfur is both a disgusting and eerie smell. As you stand there in the vog with that smell enveloping you, one of the thoughts you’re bound to have is, “yeah, I shouldn’t be standing here.” But a fence, police tape, sulfur and dead animals strewn about don’t seem to bother Jackson. Nope, he and the kids are just going to stroll around the area dubbed a “hot zone” by the army who decide to pick up Jackson and the kids for a chat.
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| Nice meeting you. Too bad you're going to die. |
Now, the US government is killing people all over the world (including the First Daughter’s buddy in Paris) as they discover things or just get nosy in general, but Jackson need not worry. See Helmsley just so happens to be at Yellowstone and he’s one of the 10 people in the entire world who have read his crappy book. So, take your kids home and enjoy the end of the world buddy!
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| When spying on people, who doesn't love a pickle? |
As they stumble out of the camp – yes, the army doesn’t march their butts back to their car and make sure they drive away – they run into the resident conspiracy theorist who has figured everything out. He says something spooky and runs away like my Chihuahua when I yell at her for rubbing her butt on the carpet.
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| I'm not working kids. Just watching some porn to take my mind off the apocalypse. |
The disappearing sulfur pond, the scary machine gun-toting army guys, the crazy guy hiding in the woods… that doesn’t change Jackson’s camping plans, but now he has to investigate what is going on while his kids moan about how he doesn’t spend any time with them. Holy crap… he’s got a blazing fast internet connection in the middle of Yellowstone? Cripes, I can’t get a cell signal sitting on my sofa and I live eight miles outside of the city of Chicago! Who the hell is his carrier?
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| Remember, if you hear a bear, just play dead. He's probably just looking for pick-a-nic baskets. |
Eventually, he starts listening to conspiracy theorist Charlie’s broadcast (who also has a kick ass internet/satellite signal) and he’s intrigued, so he zips up the kids in the tent (army, sulfur dioxide, earthquakes and bears be damned) and goes to talk to Charlie. Father or the Year, everyone!!!!!
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| If the Curtis boy would lose the stupid haircut, I think we would be best buddies. |
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| Yes, I'd absolutely trust this face. |
We learn that Charlie got a whole bunch of information from a top guy at NASA for reasons I don’t understand. This includes all of the details about the event that’s soon to destroy the Earth, the plans the US government has to save civilization (or those who can afford to be saved) with gigantic arks (I guess they’re banking on the whole flooding of the Earth and not molten lava) and maps of where everything is going down. Now you’re probably asking yourself why Jackson would believe a nut job… well it’s because Charlie’s contact is the same guy Jackson interviewed for his crappy book. Wow, that was lucky. During his visit, Charlie shows Jackson one of his fantastic blog/videos/animations/podcasts that he uses to get the word out to the masses.
Okay, I have to admit… I’d subscribe to this guy’s channel. It is definitely the most entertaining thing in the movie.
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| It's a good thing there were poles on either side of the aisle. Gordon, grab me some Cheez-Its while you're there |
Meanwhile, Jackson’s ex, Kate and her horny plastic surgeon fiancée are dealing with their own issues. While Gordo is whining about “something pulling us apart” an earthquake rips the grocery store in half. I’m no architect or engineer, but I’m pretty sure buildings don’t just sever without, you know, collapsing and/or blowing up (electricity and gas lines, ya’ll – look it up).
Folks, we’ve got our first IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE.
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| Even in a natural disaster, you've got to be picture- ready. Smize, Kate! |
Also, we’ve established that it’s the earth core, not tectonic plate movements is what is causing the major earthquakes so it would stand to reason that there would probably be lava spewing up through these gigantic fissures or at a minimum a lot of heat? Considering we saw lakes drying out and sulfur at the surface of a non-seismic area, I’d think it would be a safe bet.
Still, Kate looks glorious as she clings to a support beam. And one thing is for sure... Kate wants the kids home because you know it’s much safer for them IN the kill zone. No worries, it’s a quick jog from Yellowstone to to LA.
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| If he dies, he dies. |
Now we get to meet Yuri. He’s in Vegas telling Ivan Drago to beat Apollo Creed. Um, dude, the Cold War is over. We won. Deal with it. He gets a crazy bat signal message to get his ass to China – STAT!
Oh and guess what – Jackson is Yuri’s driver who is in charge of getting the Gloop Twins to their flight to Vegas. I wonder if that’s going to benefit Jackson in the future?
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| I feel very sorry for Wonka. It's gonna cost him a fortune in fudge. |
As Jackson drops off the spoiled brats to their flight to Vegas, they tell him he’s going to die. I know I’m always concerned when spoiled teenage brats tell me I’m going to die. I call that Thursday, but Jackson freaks out and decides after all the crap he’s seen – constant earthquakes, ponds gone missing, dead animals, sulfur rising from the earth, GI Joes appearing out of nowhere, crazy people foretelling the end of the world – that NOW he has to get the kids to safety. He gives a pilot a watch and tells him he’s going to bring his family back, and you know, the pilot accepts because he can pay his mortgage or put fuel in the plane with a watch.
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| Would you like to fly the sexy skies? Yes, please. |
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| Ooh... this may hurt property values a little. |
Jackson starts driving to Kate's house like a lunatic. She thinks they shouldn't panic, even though she was almost swallowed by a chasm in a grocery store last night. Jackson thinks it's the perfect time to panic. As they are arguing over to panic or not to panic – which includes a hilariously bad Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation – a major earthquake hits (10.9). Houses are literally disintegrating around them, the earth is swallowing cars, explosions at every turn, freeways are collapsing, but hey… we can escape.
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT = 2
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| You may want to stay off the 405 today |
I’ve been to Los Angeles and I know for a fact that there isn’t a quaint suburban neighborhood downtown. If you’ve ever driven in LA, you know that you don’t get anywhere quick and don’t mind the fact that he didn’t need to drive downtown to GET to Kate’s house from the airport. However, before you know it, amidst all the chaos, they’ve gotten out of their suburban utopia and are now driving through the heart of LA as the city crumbles, because an overpopulated landscape of glass and metal are THE PLACE to go when earthquakes are rocking the area.
Here are some of the things they manage to escape without harm:
- Street rises in front of them spraying sewage all over the car
- Rolling gigantic donut
- Almost taken out by cement mixer – very similar to this – which then blows up in a gas station
- Collapsing parking garage throwing cars on to the street in front of them
- Tires teetering on a gigantic lava fissure
- Drive under a collapsing freeway
- Drive THROUGH a collapsing building
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| Mmmmm... Donuts. |
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT = 9 (and this is being generous)
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| It's a good thing the runway doesn't crumble IN FRONT of the plane. |
They get to the airport and the pilot’s dead, but Jackson can thank his lucky stars… Gordon’s had a couple of flying lessons. Who’d a thunk that it would help save him from the apocalypse? He just did it to impress co-eds and try to get laid. Oh, there’s no runway anymore, well except for the one that they need to take off from. Of course, the ground is buckled all around them, yet the runway is still intact.
They also manage to get out of:
- Their plane plunging into fissure where freeways and buildings are being dumped
- Being almost hit by subway train
- Flying through collapsing buildings
- Dodging the tallest building in Los Angeles
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| On Metra... you really FLY! (Chicago joke) |
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| At this point, I bet Jackson feels like Chevy Chase In European Vacation. Look kids... US Bank Tower! WE KNOW DAD! |
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT = 12 (again, very generous)
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| Goodbye California. I think we all knew this day was coming though. |
I have to admit watching CA slide into the ocean gives me joy. I don’t have anything against The Sunshine State. In fact, I wanted to move there instead of back to the Chicago area when we left Hawaii. I still squee-ed with glee though as it got dumped into the ocean.
I guess I should mention that I’ve been through a fairly significant earthquake in my time, although the Earth wasn’t splitting apart at the seams. I’ve also been through some tremors while working in the great state of California, but this one was a 7.0 with an epicenter about 100 miles away from where we were in Honolulu. We lived in this crappy house that was made out of 2x4s and paneling (I’m not joking) on the second floor. The entire ordeal (2 quick ones – the second the strongest) lasted maybe 90 seconds and I swear to all that is holy I thought the house was going to come down on top of us. My husband was in the other room, but there was no way to walk to him during it. I literally held on to the bed while the Earth shook beneath me.
My point is that I’m a tiny bit skeptical that Jackson and family would be able to drive and take off in a plane – or even stand for that matter – during a 10.9. Of course they can’t get confirmation of the exact size of the quake because “Pasadena has been wiped out.” Yeah, it wasn’t just Pasadena, my nerdy friend. But The Rose Bowl is gone. THE. ROSE. BOWL!!!!!
Okay, back to the story…
The group is heading to Yellowstone to get crazy Charlie and his information. By God, the nutbag was right all along! Good thing there’s an airstrip close to the campground, that hasn’t been touched by California being ripped off the West Coast of the US. Again, they’ve got excellent cell-service in Yellowstone when the majority of cell towers on the West Coast are now floating in the ocean. They find Charlie and manage to get all his information regarding the apocalypse, and then they survive the following:
- They are standing ON TOP of the volcanic area as it begins to explode
- Lava bombs exploding around the camper and destroying the road
- Lava bomb HITS the camper
- Jump a fissure (with lava) while ground in front of them is crumbling in a dilapidated camper
- Camper falls into a lava fissure with Jackson inside looking for maps
- Another take off with a collapsing runway but this time with lava bomb goodness
- Fireball & toxic burning ash cloud envelopes the plane
Wow, those Cessna planes are sturdy as crap! But they can’t fly to China, which is where the group needs to go in order to survive. Hmmm… what to do. I wonder if they know anyone with a lot of money and a big plane.
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| Okay, who farted? Damn it Kate! This is a small space! |
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT = 19
Before we move on, can we take a moment to talk about kids in disaster movies? They are always ridiculous brats that one second are peeing their pants in their sleep and the next becoming action heroes when crap starts to go down. Clearly, STAY HERE means FOLLOW ME in child language and you’d figure that the idiotic parents of these little monsters would make sure to keep an eye on them while the world is blowing up, especially since they don’t seem to take direction at all.
Moving on…
While we learn that the douche-bag Chief of Staff is going to let his mother die with the masses, we get to enjoy some more destruction of the planet.
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| JESUS!!! Literally, it's Jesus. |
The 2012 Olympics in London have been suspended. Hold the phone… the Olympic games are scheduled to be held from July 27 to August 12, 2012. That’s a pretty far way off from December 21st. Granted, crap went down earlier than expected, but they never say how early and there’s snow in some parts of the world. Make up your mind film makers!!!
It also should be pointed out that The Americas seems to be leveled while the rest of the world is untouched. What the hell did we do to you, Earth? And with all the crap happening over here, shouldn’t the rest of you be worried about tidal waves or something?
Time to evacuate the government and, oh yeah, we’ll let the citizens know after we’re on board our arks. Wait, so the only people who are going to make it from the US are members of the US government. Christ, the new civilization will be just as crappy as the current one then. Idealist Helmsley thinks people should be told now so they can “fight for their survival.” Nobody’s making you get on that plane pal. Feel free to give it up to the guy on the corner because I’m sure he’ll be fighting to get on that plane with you.
Still in search of a bigger plane (that doesn’t smell like farts… thank you Kate) the Curtis Clan + Gordon decide to fly to Vegas. Why? Who the hell knows? Since California has slid off into the Pacific less than 300 miles to the west and Yellowstone is now a gigantic volcano about 1000 miles to the North, maybe you should have… I don’t know… went East? Speaking of which, Vegas seems to be in the middle of this crap-storm. How the heck is it still standing? Oh well, at least we get to see The Strip get demolished.
I just had a thought. I want to know if I would still be alive at this point. Probably not. I’m a pussy. Also, I’m easily distracted – just today I’ve interrupted myself writing this post by reading restaurant reviews that were written in January, checking out Pug photos, searching cable for Godzilla movies and The Price Is Right – so I’d probably be knocked out by people wanting what little possessions I have.
The people heading to be safe and secure on Air Force One are still concerned about keeping the citizens of the US from finding out about what is going on. I would think at this point, the end of the world wouldn’t be a secret. Mayan calendar end of world predictions. Check. Earthquakes and volcanoes exploding everywhere. Check. Nevada is now ocean-front property. Check. Still, Helmsley and the President decide it is time to spill the beans so people can “be together.” Well everyone but him and his daughter. He wanted her sexy butt to ensure the continuation of the species would be super hot. I withdraw the nomination of Father of the Year from Jackson and give it to the President.
What happened to our adventure flying group out West? They’ve landed in Vegas without any plans on what to do next and there’s a toxic ash cloud heading their way. See! I told you! Now what are you going to do Curtis Clan + Gordon?
So as I said, the President decides to stay. Of course, he doesn’t decide who’s going to be in charge if the ranking members of Congress can’t be found. He just sends everyone off on their merry way, including his daughter. For being a “great leader” you sure are a crappy dad. Maybe she would have liked a hug or something before you went marching on to your impending death? Once douche-bag-royale finds out the President is staying behind, he takes charge because he’s “not sure where the other members of Congress are at”. I checked the line of succession to the Presidency and it looks a little like this:
- Vice President
- Speaker of the House
- President of the Senate
- Secretary of State
- Secretary of the Treasury
- Secretary of Defense
- Attorney General
- Secretary of the Interior
- Secretary of Agriculture
- Secretary of Commerce
- Secretary of Labor
- Secretary of Health & Human Services
- Secretary of Housing & Urban Development
- Secretary of Transportation
- Secretary of Energy
- Secretary of Education
- Secretary of Veterans Affairs
- Secretary of Homeland Security
Hmmm… I don’t see White House Chief of Staff anywhere here on this list. Also, I don’t recall the President saying he could speak for him. Again, Mr. President, maybe you should have designated someone to speak on your behalf in the event the succession line was decimated. No matter, his hot daughter is on board Air Force One, so his memory lives on, even if she’s being bullied by the resident meanie.
Our fearless group in Las Vegas has stumbled upon Yuri and his group. Not only is Jackson Yuri’s driver, but Gordon is rent-a-bride’s plastic surgeon. It’s a small world, huh? Even with an ash cloud bearing down on them, Yuri’s pilot won’t even attempt to fly without a co-pilot. What are they gonna do? Oh yeah, Gordon’s also a pilot. Well don’t they just have the luck of the perpetually stupid?
That is a big freakin plane! No really, Curtis boy says so. Let’s all stand and admire it as the toxic ash cloud rumbles in behind us. The tower is screaming for them to not take off because they don’t have clearance. Yeah, I don’t think they care man especially now since the tower was destroyed by a thick plume of smoke and ash. It’s another close one as our doubled-in-size group survive:
- Tires blowing out on landing gear BEFORE take off
- Another collapsing runway
- Escape ash cloud
- Plunge into volcanic fissure
- Flying through collapsing buildings on the strip (I think it is Mandalay Bay)
- Almost crashing into The Bellagio
- Clipping the faux-Eiffel Tower at The Paris
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT = 26
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| My ultimate vacation home... minus the monks of course. They're kind of a party buzz kill. |
Let’s take a break to hear some wisdom from monks on top of some of the tallest mountains in the world. Seriously, can you even breathe up there? And why are we meeting the monk? Probably because we need to be able to get our group on to those boats and hey… monk’s brother works on the ships. How lucky. I wonder what the chances are that they’ll come across Jackson and his group?
We find out a ticket on the ship is 1 billion Euros – per seat (or $1,294,000,000.00). I’m wonder if at that price that hot girlfriend is getting on that boat. Or for that matter the pilot. Yuri doesn’t strike me as the sensitive type.
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| I see Arnold Schwartzenegger has TWO cameos in this film. |
Here’s something else I just realized… who the hell is going to WORK on these ships? I'm guessing people would like a Love Boat-esque type experience for their billion euros. Do they expect people to pay that much money for the pleasure of cooking all these idiots dinner? I envision a bunch of fat, lazy, rich people floating around ordering each other around. Oh and no one is rich anymore. It’s not like there are banks, currency, property, or businesses. They’re all now homeless.
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| I spent my life-savings on this damn trip and the place gets covered in lava! |
We take a quick break from reflection and character development to see that Hawaii is now a lava pit. Honolulu it was nice seeing you again! Of course, they were supposed to refuel in Hawaii and didn’t really have a plan if Hawaii didn’t exist or wouldn’t let them land for some bizarre reason. Well THAT was poor planning.
We get back to character development, but this time, it is our government goons. Helmsley is desperately trying to pick up on the president’s hot daughter. We also get to see more insignificant characters die while Tokyo – whose citizens are blissfully sleeping without a care in the world – is destroyed.
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| Every guy in the world just grabbed his crotch in pain. |
Washington DC isn’t doing too well and we see the President walking through the White House, which has now become some kind of shelter, like he is Jesus, blessing those in his path. He finds a child crying and resolves to find her daddy. What is he going to do? Walk around outside shouting, “hey, there’s a kid inside whose name I don’t know and I’m looking for her daddy, also whose name I don’t know!” Actually, that’s pretty close. He goes out on The White House lawn and starts harassing people who are trying to save lives.
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| Hey, I'm looking for a guy who has a kid. Seen him around? |
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| Go screw yourself, pal. Oh, Mr. President. Wait, aren't you the jack-a-loon that didn't tell us of our impending doom? Yeah, find him your damn self. |
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| Hey baby, I'm sorry. Let me comfort you. You got a private room on this plane? |
When Air Force One learns of Washington DC’s destruction, Helmsley immediately runs to First Daughter to comfort her in her time of need.
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| Quick, jump in the Pope Mobile and get the hell outta there! |
As a Catholic, I'm curious about what is happening at The Vatican. I see the Pope decided to die with his flock as well. I call BS. No way the Church wouldn’t have gotten him a seat on the ships. Catholic guilt is going to live forever.
You know what I was just thinking? Where are the tsunamis? When we lived in Hawaii every time there was even the slightest tremor we were under tsunami alert. The entire Western Hemisphere has been destroyed by earthquakes and not even a tiny little splash in sight. But the nerds on Air Force One immediately school me when they start declaring that the Earth’s crust is just now finally beginning to shift. Now, I know this was a solar event, but when an entire state falls into the ocean, I don’t believe the Earth’s crust isn’t shifting… at least a little. I’m not all smart-like, but they’ve been calling them earthquakes, so I’m pretty confident that means there’s been some crust-shifting.
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| Wait?!?! When did the White House have private beach access. Oh yeah, IT DOESN'T! |
Even though everyone else is dead on The White House lawn, the President is like the Energizer Bunny and comes to. Think he’s going to make it out alive? Place your bets! If you guessed “yes” because there's no way Danny Glover doesn't make it, you’ve guessed wrong, but I’ll give you a chance to make your money back if you tell me how it ends for him. If you guessed being crushed by the USS John F. Kennedy being thrown on him by a tidal wave, you’re a winner.
The Curtis Clan + Gordon and Yuri’s tribe need to land, but they don’t have landing gear, enough fuel and are losing engines. At least they lucked out with the land mass shifting 1500 miles towards them so they aren’t landing in the ocean anymore. Okay Jackson, how are you going to get the kids out of this one? Luckily Pilot Sasha has a brilliant plan of driving the luxury cars Yuri has brought with him out during landing. Wait, what?!?!?! There’s a really good chance that the plane is going to be going in excess of 200mph on landing. That sounds like the dumbest idea EVER. You may be damn sexy, but you’re dumb as a box of rocks, Sasha. At least they’re taking the Bentley, which gives us the second funniest scene in the movie!
I hear by declare that EVERY SINGLE TIME I GET INTO MY CAR I will be saying this before I turn the key. Engine... STAAAAAAAAART!
Of course, they escaped some very precarious situations:
- Landing a plane landing without landing gear
- Landing a plane with no fuel
- Landing a plane without any engines
- Driving the cars OUT of the plane moving at almost full speed
- Plane you just left spitting out 2000 pound cars at you
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT = 31
The only one that doesn’t make it out alive is Sexy Sasha. This is the first truly tragic thing I’ve seen happen in this movie.
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| Oh yeah! He got the plane to stop! He's gonna make it! |
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| Damn. |
You know who is really upset by Sasha’s passing… well other than me… Rent-a-wife! I sense this may not go over well with Yuri.
The mourning is interrupted by zoo animals being choppered in overhead by the Chinese. Since they have nothing better to do, they decide to check in on the stranded tourists. Yuri’s got tickets, so they scoop up the ticket holders and leave the rest to freeze to death. If you haven’t guessed this was going to happen, Yuri leaves the rent-a-wife behind. It’s best you died in the crash, Sasha, you didn’t have a ticket waiting for you anyway since you were banging Rent-a-Wife.
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| I'm not sure what's worse: the little bitch wave he gives or the fact he's stealing her dog |
Air Force One has just landed and I think Helmsley just admitted he’s a virgin to the First Daughter. Probably not a good idea, dude, if you’re planning on repopulating the Earth with her. Also, there seems to be a very long discussion about the North Pole and the South Pole. All I get out of it is that Wisconsin is now the South Pole. I still don’t know what that means, unless Wisconsin has somehow slid around to the bottom of the Earth. I also don’t know what that means for everything South of Wisconsin to what currently is the South Pole.
Our group of heroes is now stranded. It seems like they’re up a creek without a paddle until… Hey! It’s the monk! I’d say someone in Jackson’s group has a horseshoe stuck up their butt.
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| For the last time... I don't give a rat's butt who you are! |
We catch our first glimpse of life on the arcs. And I’m not just talking about seeing them for the first time, but what life will actually be like. There’s basically a bunch of rich people wandering about, demanding stuff and saying, “do you know who I am?”
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| Don't worry, I made sure I told Helmsley he's an ass. |
Helmsley and First Daughter realize that people bought their way on to the ships. Oh the horror. Seriously, was this a surprise to you? I have to admit that I kind of agree with douche-bag for once when he says they needed the money to come from somewhere to build the arks. Would you shell out over a billion dollars for construction only to be left behind? Probably not, but guess who HAS been left behind and about to get wiped out by a tidal wave… the guy who told Helmsley about this in the first place. This guy takes his last remaining moments on Earth to bitch to Helmsley about not being picked up. Maybe you should have called him a couple of hours ago, dude. Helmsley’s friend’s death does serve a specific purpose since we now know the wave is going to get the arks faster. It’s goin’ down dude.
By the way, how the hell are they all still getting cell signals?
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| You're seriously going to pull out the "We're all God's people" crap right now? Son of a bitch... let's go. |
The hero group gets picked up by the monk and they get taken to his brother, one of the ark builders. The group seems to have a fantastic grasp of the English language seeing they are a working class welder, a monk with no contact to the outside world and a bunch of elderly farmers. Needless to say, brother’s not thrilled about the extra cargo. Of course, it isn’t like he bought them all tickets or anything… he’s planning on sneaking them all into one of the arks.
He decides to let them come, and just in time too since the arks are getting ready to leave. One of those arks is malfunctioning and a bunch of ticket holders are stranded. Guess who’s in that group? Looks like you’re screwed Yuri, buddy.
We get a glimpse of the sky. It’s awfully clear for the world blowing up around it including ash and lava everywhere. The Americas are now in a deep ice age but China seems just fine.
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| Yeah, screw you. You only got me out of Vegas and to China where the arks are even while I was sleeping with your pilot. Yeah, screw you! |
As our heroes sneak on to the ark, the stranded ticket holders decide to rush it with Yuri as their leader. Rent-a-wife sees Yuri and Gloop twins on platform as she’s sneaking into the ship. Wait... they've got the dog and she just can't let him die with Yuri and the twins. Doggie manages to escape from one of the Gloops and he makes his way through a series of platforms, pulleys and ropes to Rent-a-Wife Just in time. Just before the vent she’s in slams shut, she gets the chance to flip off Yuri who is still standing on the platform.
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| That's some serious upper body strength right there. |
Idealist alert! The First Daughter and Helmsley want everyone on the platforms to be taken with them. Yes, the same people who they thought were the scum of the Earth for buying their way on to the arks (thus paying for the construction) should now be put on board. Nope, we can’t leave the fat Russian businessman who stranded a group of people including 2 kids and his Rent-a-Wife. Lots of impassioned speeches and sparring ensue and let’s take just a little more time since we’ve got about 15 minutes before the waves crash into the arks.
In the end, they tell douche-bag to go screw, so, yay – Yuri’s going to be saved. Oh wait, no he’s not. He got stuck underneath the platform as it was lowered back down to the hoards waiting to get on the ark. He does manage to get the Gloop twins on board by actually tossing them like he was playing a game of horse throwing it Granny Style.
But where are our stowaways? They’ve found their way into the arc’s zoo (and I’m going to bump up the IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT to 32 since most wild animals don’t take kindly to people in their cages) but not before they break the ship and Gordon gets crushed. Yes, a bungee cord and a cheap Chinese wrench are all it takes to bring down the inner workings of a multi-billion dollar ark. When the ark commander finds out about the ship now being dysfunctional and it’s all because of some sneaky stow-aways, you’d think that they’d send a hit squad down there to take them out, but wait… Helmsley knows that guy! He’s a writer! We’ve got to SAVE him. You might want to fix the ark too while you’re down there.
The wave is still making its way to the arks (seems like it is taking FOREVER) and we see Air Force One sitting on a runway that is still intact. Air Force One has now hitched a ride toward the arks in a tidal wave that is taller than Everest, although the impact of the plane doesn't seem to affect the ark at all, so all that drama for nothing.
The stupid ship isn’t working when the wave hits and now they’re drifting towards the North Face of Mt. Everest. I feel like I’m getting my geography wrong… they were in China which is to the east of Mt. Everest although it’s very close. The wave that hits them has come from the east so now they should be drifting west. Yet somehow they’ve swung around and are now heading south into the North Face. I’m so confused.
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| No! Not my vacation home! |
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| Damn. |
My IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE counter isn’t quite done yet. The Curtis family is still in the zoo and since the wave hit, it is filling with water. Doors are being slammed shut as to stop the water from sinking the ship. Why this can’t now be used to fire up the engines on the ark is beyond me, but now the Curtis Clan minus Gordon are drowning and the ark is adrift without power.
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT to 33
Here’s the kicker, the only way to fix the problem is in the sealed areas. Yes, not even the crew would be able to fix this issue if it were to happen without the stupidity of the Curtis family. You know what that means… someone’s going to have to pick up the slack on this one and it’s going to be the writer who clearly is capable of fixing a multi-billion dollar ark. Hey, you broke it, you have to fix it. They are still careening to Mt. Everest and if they can’t start the engines, everyone on the ark is going to die. Even though they’ve missed EVERY OTHER MOUNTAIN it seems like they’re just going to hit this one no matter what.
IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT to 34
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| Nice speech, now can you fix the goddamn ship? |
With such little time left to save the ark and everyone on it, you know it is speech time. I couldn’t sit through another speech so I drifted off a little. Then I was jolted awake by Kate screaming. It seems that the only way to fix this thing is for Jackson to go a suicide mission (IMPOSSIBLE ESCAPE COUNT to 35) and sonny-boy, after being told to stay with his mother has decided to follow him. Kate being the stellar mother she is doesn’t keep track of her son in the rising waters of death, so now she’s shrieking like a banshee.
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| Mother of the Year |
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| Coolest water park ride. EVER. |
The ark is about to slam into Mt. Everest and there is a crap-ton of nerd-screaming happening on the bridge. No worries, Jackson manages to fix the ship and the crew just throws a gazillion ton ship into reverse and with 50 meters to go, spins that mother around. That is one precision driving vehicle and some fancy sailing captain. Uh oh, Jackson’s missing. PSYCH! He’s alive… just a REALLY slow swimmer. Thank God he can hold his breath a VERY long time.
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| Nerds have a wide range of emotion: Nerd Fear |
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| Nerd Happiness |
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| Nerd Love |
In the end, Helmsley and First Daughter are going to be getting it on soon.
Rent-a-wife is nowhere to be found.
The Gloop twins are orphans but are willing to share Rent-a-Wife’s dog.
Monk & family are all healed and doing well.
Curtis family is back together and Girl Curtis is no longer wearing Pull-Ups.
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| Okay, let's get to repopulating the Earth. Just forget about that virgin thing I was telling you about earlier. |
Even though every volcano on Earth exploded, skies are clear. Apparently the whole “South Pole is Wisconsin” only affected the Western Hemisphere too. The new top of the world is in Africa which apparently is already water free if it was even flooded before. Wow that was lucky. It’s not like the African continent was unstable politically nor had any climate issues. And the satellites are all still working. Boy that’s fortunate, especially since this all started out as a solar event. They are heading to The Cape of Good Hope. How happy do you think the South Africans are going to be when they arrive?
I wonder what’s going to happen with the nuclear waste that’s now floating around in the ocean. How about the billions of tons of debris from the cities? Aren’t there going to be millions of bodies washing up on shore? No matter, the Curtis family has survived to live another day!
I hope you enjoyed the ride! I know I’m definitely looking forward to the apocalypse now. Think we should start scanning the Himalayas for arks?
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