Subway, Tweens and Madness

If you read any of my other blogs, you know that:

1. I've been REALLY lazy lately.
2. I am a skin care "expert" that is currently on the American version of walkabout which consists of sitting on the couch without gainful employment.
3. I enjoy cooking.

Even though I enjoy the culinary arts, I do frequent fast food establishments for quick meals.  More so lately because my Thanksgiving burned me out on cooking to a level that I haven’t even grocery shopped in 2 weeks.  I enjoy a deal too, so when Subway announced their December deals including a free 6” sub with the purchase of a drink and another sub (a total scam, by the way, but we’ll get to that later), I lit up with glee.  One day, in my desire to avoid cooking and the grocery store, I decided to use the coupons and get myself a sub.  Don’t think this was an easy decision. 

I have stuff for sandwiches at home…

But I have already eaten my homemade sandwiches several days this week…

But I should just save my money… 

But I REALLY don’t want to put the effort into making food and cleaning up…

As you can tell I was conflicted. 

One of my favorite subs - Turkey (and add some bacon)

By the time I made my decision, it was 3:00PM and I set out to a Subway in the next town over.  There’s one less than a mile from my home, but they kind of suck and are surly about their sucking.  Interestingly enough, they are both within a 2 mile radius, so kudos to Subway for making sure there is one of their restaurants on every major intersection in my community.

As I began my drive, I realized school had just let out.  I had missed that golden hour of no lunch crowd and no children crowd.  What was worse was that my favorite Subway was close to a middle school and it was known to be a hang-out of 11-13 year olds.  Now NORMAL people would just turn around and go home, but I’m not normal.  Once I get something in my brain about food, I will be miserable, moody and sullen until I get it.  Besides, I was feeling a sense of adventure.

I was looking for shrieking children,
but oddly enough, this was
more accurate

When I arrived, every booth in the joint was crammed with at least four 11-13 year-olds.  I’m going to assume the high school kids have better taste own cars which allow them to get as far away from the school’s campus as possible.  Now I don’t have kids, but I don’t hate them.  I can actually tolerate a lot of stuff, and normally my annoyance isn’t fueled by the children themselves, but their parents.  And yes, I was an obnoxious child at some point in my life too (I rode a stagecoach to school), so why I would expect kids now to be any different.  Yet, my brain began to seize up as I entered Tween Thunderdome, where the boys burp and punch each other (seriously, punching each other?  I’ve never understood boys) and the girls seem to shriek like banshees.

The Subway staff, for the most part, was older folk like me.  They were laughing along at the antics which surprised me slightly.  In retrospect, I applaud them for finding humor in what must be a very humorless situation.  I mean, I wanted to stab myself in the ears several times and I knew that my stay would be temporary.  I can’t imagine having to deal with that from start to finish.  I was jolted from my self-induced zen-like trance (created to protect my brain from exploding) when I heard a little voice in front of me ask the following question:

“Can you break a $50 bill?”

Now I know I’m older and there are things such as inflation.  I also don’t like being one of those people that say crap like, “in my day you could get a gallon of gas for under a dollar.” (this fact is totally true by the way)  But what kid walks around with a $50 bill?  Has baby-sitting really gotten that expensive that you have to pay a pre-pubescent kid in currency that not even I – an almost 40-year-old – have in my wallet?  And I’m assuming that she has a baby-sitting gig.  This couldn’t possibly be her ALLOWANCE, could it?

As I pondered my age and the staggering amount of money this child had, I was shocked yet again by the response of the Subway – NO.  Now that is a bunch of BS.  The place was filled with kids probably spending $5-10 a pop and none of them (at least in the line in front of me) were using coupons, so I’m sure their tabs were coming closer to the top part of that range.  I’m going to assume that this child is not the norm and the rest of them pay in smaller bills, so there was no way their register couldn’t make change for a $50.  Considering that the line was growing behind me, they’d quickly have change again.

I began to feel bad for her.  She put her money back into her Hello Kitty wallet and said, “Okay I can’t order anything.”  She gave the sad eyes.  These people are assholes.  She just wants to get her sandwich on with her friends after a long day at school you tools!  What if she has a food obsession like me?  She’ll be crushed for the rest of the night!  I actually had a significant amount of money on my person and I was going to change out the bill for her until she said the following:

“Oh my God, they probably think I’m like, a drug dealer or something.”

Like, Oh My God, are you looking for some bud?

She was a maybe-12-year-old with glitter eye shadow, sporting her school colors from head-to-toe and carrying a faux-Louis Vutton backpack.  No self-obsessed, spoiled, pseudo-rich child from a nouveau riche town in Northwest Indiana… they don’t think that.  Not at all.  I’ve met drug dealers.  You are not one of them, and if you were, you wouldn’t be advertising that fact – unless you were trying to sell to the kids, but then you’d certainly be more discreet. 

I closed my wallet.  She could starve until dinner.  And now why am I so annoyed with these kids?  I mean I’m around kids all the time and I find many of them charming.  I began to break it down to (a) occupy my brain and (b) try to bring my blood pressure back to normal levels.  It was much better alternative to throttling tweens and being thrown in jail.

Here’s what I figured out…

Children in elementary school can be adorable.  They are still little goobers that do funny things without realizing they are funny.  Also, they still think you, as an old person, may know something and are impressed by little things, like the ability to make armpit farts.  They seek your approval and want to spend time with you.

Teenagers/High schoolers are know-it-alls, but you can still have a lot of fun with them.  They are learning to appreciate better things in life and most of them do appreciate things you do for them even if not at first.  They are slowly learning that life isn’t always fair, so you should enjoy what you can.  Are they whiny?  Yes.  Do they think they know everything?  Yes.  But they are getting smarter and more like people that you want to hang out with on a regular basis.

Tweens are that group of children that you want to slap continually.  They aren’t clever enough to be funny and are self-aware enough that they don’t do cute or entertaining things by accident.  You know that kid in high school that had perfect timing and could crack jokes making everyone flock to them like moths to a light bulb?  Yeah, tweens don’t have the ability to do that yet.  Take the kids in this Subway.  They are forcing out burps and then guffawing like it is the funniest thing they’ve ever heard.  The girls all squeal “ew” in the high-pitched tone that makes my eyes twitch.  Boys, burps can be funny, but it takes timing and context to make it funny.  A burp is just a bodily function otherwise.  And girls… get over it.  You’ll be wanting to kiss these boys soon (if not already) and they’re going to burp and fart.  If you’re indignant about their basis for a sense of humor, you will seem much less appealing.  I’m not saying you have to burp and fart with them, but you’re going to have to co-exist with it and humor them along the way.

Figuring all this out actually made me feel slightly better about the situation I was currently experiencing and soon it was time for me to place my order.

Oh, and the “coupon” was a racket.  I only saved $2, which wasn’t a bargain at all.  Instead of charging me for a meal deal, they decided to charge me for the 6” sub, chips & soda separately.  What a rip off.  At least I left that Subway with a better understanding of kids… and made a mental note to STAY AWAY FROM THERE AFTER SCHOOL.  DUMMY.

Update:  I was reminded of this post by a blogger of one of my favorite blogs - STFU Parents.  I wonder if the fancy locker girl and my $50 girl are sisters.